Some Day My Splints Will Come
by buddieswithbilis
Summary: Jack takes the whole team to the theatre but when he said break a leg he didn't mean it literally!


A/N As usual any reference to TW or DW is completely deliberate but I have no wish to upset any personages from such establishments ( be it with the mentioning of anything relating to the shows or through the usage of the occasional song title ) so please do not sue me!

Okaaaaaay…..this is just me doing something stupid…...( that is not a reference to a song title by the way! )

**SOME DAY MY SPLINTS WILL COME**

"Just take the bulb and get up the fucking ladder!" for a change Owen was pissed off

"And why is it, exactly, that I have to get up there risking life and limb?"

"Because, Ianto, it's your bloody boyfriend that's got us doing this shit in the first place!"

"He is not my boyfriend!"

"Whatever, just get up the ladder then we can get back to doing something normal….like dissecting a rotting alien corpse!"

Ianto rolled his eyes and for no reason other than to shut the medic the fuck up he began to ascend the old step ladder, adding a few "ooohs!" and "Whoas!" for good measure.

"Oh, just get on with it!"

The waspish doctor, as sympathetic as ever, wandered to the front of the stage to check on the lights at floor level

"These are all ok!" he called over his shoulder. On hearing a noise behind him he turned to watch Gwen as she made her way from the wings

"Way to go newbie! Are you sure you can manage such a difficult mission?"

She continued to push the wide broom from side to side sending shards of glass in all directions and refusing to answer she simply demonstrated which of her fingers she thought would go furthest up his arse.

"Classy!" he laughed

She carried on brushing away, secretly loving the attention she was attracting from the medic, and knowing that he would still be watching her she chanced a glance back over her shoulder at him. All Owen could see, however, was that she was heading straight for the bottom of a set of step ladders up which balanced, rather precariously, was a certain teaboy concentrating on his task and with arms outstretched to the rafters.

"Look out!"

The warning came too late and with a sickening thud said teaboy fell down onto the stage.

"OH MY GOD! Ianto! I am so sorry, I didn't see you there!" she cried out

"Obviously not!" he growled and in trying to manoeuvre himself around let out a sharp cry and cursed in Welsh.

"You ok, mate?" asked Owen trying not to laugh as he walked over

"My leg!" he gasped "It's broken!"

"You sure? You better let me take a look!" he really was trying to sound concerned

"DON'T…..touch….it!" Ianto was hissing, obviously not happy!

"Why not? I'm a bloody doctor!"

"BECAUSE IT FUCKING HURTS, YOU IDIOT!" ok, now he was getting irritated

"Hey kids, what's all the shouting for?" came a familiar voice from the back of the stage.

Gwen turned to face him and sighed

"Jack, I am so sorry, it's all my fault"!

"For a change!" added Owen helpfully

"IANTO JONES!...sitting down on the job again I see!" the voice was loud and ridiculing and it irritated him

"Oh, very funny Sir…excuse me while I get Owen to stitch my sides back up!"

"Ooooh, somebody's in a bad mood today!" laughed Jack and kicked playfully out at a left foot. The responding yelp made him jump

"Whoa! Ok, what's happening here?" he cried out almost sounding concerned

"He says he's broken his leg!" explained Owen

"IT IS FUCKING BROKEN, YOU WANKER!" Ianto was shouting again

"Oh, my God! Did I just hear right?" Tosh sounded concerned as she walked over to them "I'll call for an ambulance!" she proceeded to pull out her mobile

"Of course, if Jack hadn't have had us here doing this crap in the first place it would never have happened!" snarked Owen

"Hey", he scowled sitting himself down onto one of the sturdier pieces of scenery "It's the least we could do considering you and Ianto here decided to wreck the set yesterday! They're due to open in two days and my I remind you ladies and gentlemen that all proceeds go to cherridy!"

"Well in our defence" ventured the doctor " We did have a very drunken blow fish swinging from the rafters singing…very badly I might add…..I Will Survive!"

"It was very irritating!" admitted Ianto

"Ok, fine" he sighed "But did you have to take out every light bulb in the process?"

They grinned at each other like naughty schoolboys

"Well, well Jack!" smiled Tosh "I didn't realise that you were so enamoured with the world of theatre!"

"Are you kidding me?" he laughed "I was born to tread the boards, darling!"

"Oh, great!" sighed Owen "I feel an interesting anecdote coming on!"

"Hey! I've lived here for over a century! You think I wouldn't have done a little bit of acting in all of that time?"

"Go on then!" he challenged "Who have you acted with? Name somebody we actually know!"

"Oh, I played with so many my darlings!" he gushed starting to sound worryingly like Noel Coward "Astaire and Rogers … Olivier and Gielgud …"

"Laurel and Hardy!" interjected Ianto from down on the floor

The captain sent him a scowl, he in turn snapped his head downwards. Jack opened his mouth to carry on but before he could get a word out there came a whisper of

"Wallace and Grommit!"

"Would you like me to kick his foot?" offered Owen as Jack gave the teaboy a thunderous look.

Said teaboy thought it better to shut up and winced hoping to get a vote of sympathy.

"So how come we've not seen you mentioned in the annuls of theatrical history?" asked Tosh lowering herself to the ground.

"Yeah, that's a point!" agreed Owen doing the same and landing right next to Ianto, who winced.

"Oh, it's kinda tragic,really" he told them with a sigh

"Isn't it always?" Ianto quickly looked at the floor again and as Jack glared at him he winced "Shutting up now Sir!"

"Thank you!" he exhaled and continued "You see everybody loved me …the audiences loved me …..the casts loved me ….."

"Did you shag anyone famous, Jack?" asked Gwen swaying to and fro with head resting on hands on top of the broom handle.

"Oh, all sorts!" laughed the American

"He means Bertie Bassett!" chanced the Welshman then grabbed his thigh and winced before his boss could feel anything but sympathy for him.

"So how come we've never heard of Hollywood heartthrob Jack Harkness, then?" Tosh smiled

"Well, you see" he smiled "I'd show up for the performance, steal the show, take the ovation…" he paused for dramatic effect "Then I'd have to retcon everybody in the theatre!"

He broke into a grin and the others all laughed. Ianto shook his head, he knew Jack was only joking but with him you could never be certain.

"So, Tosh?" mused the Captain hoping to keep the mood light "What would be your dream character to play in a film or theatre production?"

"Won't be a moment" interrupted Gwen "I'm just going for a pee!"

"You'll find a bucket in the wings!" shouted Jack helpfully

"Sod off, Jack!" came the lady like reply

"So, Tosh!" he encouraged with a smile

"Oh, I don't know!" she smiled then admitted "I quite like the idea of being Lara Croft!"

The three men nodded and "Hmmmd" until Owen finally realised

"Tosh, the last time I saw Tomb Raider I can't say I registered anything Japanese about the main character!"

"And the mouth isn't quite right" added Jack "We need a compromise!"

"Sort of Jet Li meets Steven Tyler!" offered Ianto

Owen shrieked "Yes!" and held his palm up to him to high five …he did so and winced.

"Jet Li is not Japanese!" sulked Tosh "And besides ….. they're both men!"

"Works for me!" laughed Jack turning to observe Gwen as she walked back on to the stage

"Come on then Newbie!" laughed Owen adding "This should be good!"

"Well" she smiled "I've always fancied being Scarlet O'hara all those costumes …so romantic!"

"Oh, you have got to be joking!" he laughed

"Gone With The Wind!" sighed Tosh dreamily

"Yes, quite frankly, I wish he was!" snarked the Welsh woman

"I don't get it" said Jack looking perplexed "What's wrong with her being Scarlet O'hara?"

"Well for a start" he told him "Look at that expression! The audience would spend the entire performance thinking Rhett Butler had his hand up her skirt!"

Everybody except Gwen laughed

"It's the eyes …..look at those eyes!" gasped Ianto

"My friend!" Owen laughed even louder and held up his palm. Ianto steeled himself, fived it and then winced.

"Oh, bugger off the lot of you!" she scowled

"Gwen, I'm sure you'd be brilliant!" Jack told her with a smile then turning to the pained Welshman on the floor said

"Ok, Mr Ianto 'I'm full of clever quips today' Jones what have you got for us?"

After turning his head slowly for dramatic effect he smiled up at him

"Fletcher Christian!"

"Mmm Mutiny On The Bounty!" he nodded back down at him

"Marlon Brando to be more precise, Sir!" he smiled

Jack just grinned at him and winked ….some interesting role playing ideas were coming to mind for later on!

"Well, I'm sorry Ianto but you can't do that!" exclaimed Owen

"Why ever not?" he looked put out

"Your leg is broken" he pointed out "You'd never be able to stay upright on deck!"

"Yes, I would" he sulked then winced and lay flat on his back to continue with his sulking

"Tell you what" offered the medic "I'll cut your leg off below the knee and you can be Long John Silver instead!"

The others shrieked with delight at the idea. Ianto was not so impressed

"Great! And I suppose next you'll want Myfanwy sitting on my shoulder squawking pieces of eight!"

"Oh, my jaw aches!" laughed Gwen

"Jack, don't even go there!" warned Ianto still not amused

Jack pouted then laughed

"Ok Owen come on It's your turn!"

The doctor gave a devilish grin and informed them

"You're going to love this!" then lowering his voice to a whisper said "Be afraid, be very afraid!"

"You want to be a fly?" asked Ianto incredulously

"No no no !" he sulked "I'm just adding that for effect ….I'm building it up here!"

"Well come on then spit it out!" Gwen was still pissed off with him for the Rhett Butler remark!

"Sweeney Todd!" he grinned nodding confidently

"Aaah, yeah" they all nodded

"I'm sure you'd be very convincing!" Jack told him and rubbing his chin thanked 51st century evolution for his lack of whiskers

"Terrifying!" nodded Ianto his fear making him sound very Welsh all of a sudden and as his mind drifted he gazed up into the rafters, allowing his mouth to drop open with concentration.

"Ianto, hun" smiled Jack lovingly across at him "If you don't shut your mouth anytime soon I shall be forced to come over there and demonstrate what happened when Earl Grey visited the pyramids!"

The appropriately named teaboy snapped his mouth shut then gave a cheeky tight lipped smile and slowly forced his tongue out.

"On my way!" warned the captain

"God, somebody stop them!" groaned Owen

Ianto let his head fall to one side to face Jack and suggestively licked his lips

"Don't fucking tease me Jones!" he growled and began to stand "You are so gonna be Cleopatra tonight!"

"Oh, somebody save us!" sighed the medic before looking up amazed as Gwen sighed

"I don't get it, what's so funny about Egypt all of a sudden!"

"Just think P G Tips!" he told her "You'll get there eventually!"

"Anyway, Jack" enthused Tosh "It's just you left, who would you like to play?"

"I bet he wants to be Spiderman or Superman!" laughed Gwen

"Or Captain bloody Fantastic!" added Owen

"I quite fancy Captain Kirk!" admitted Ianto then winced

"Well, you're all very very wrong" smiled the American with a certain amount of satisfaction

"So, who is it?" encouraged Gwen

"Casanova!" he grinned

The others sat there in silence until Owen finally nodded

"The blindingly bloody obvious and none of us saw it!" then he gasped "Shit, you weren't actually _the_ Casanova, were you? It's just ….so…you!"

"No" he shook his head laughing

"Jack?" Ianto had been deep in thought

"Yes, Ianto what's wrong?" he smiled

"Oh no nothing's wrong" he told him "It's just ….I was wondering…..did Casanova have male lovers?"

"Hey" he smiled fondly at him "My character fantasy….my rules!"

The young man pursed his lips then nodded as if to suggest that he was happy with the reply. Suddenly, making the others jump, he announced

"Right, can't be sitting around here all day there's Weevils and the like to be fed!" and with that he stood up and walked to the front of the stage

"Ianto!" yelled Gwen "Your leg… mind your leg!"

"What about it?" he deadpanned back at her

"You've broken it!" she exclaimed

"Well, quite obviously, I haven't!" he exclaimed back

"Ianto, you were in pain!" she pressed on

"Gwen" he sighed "Where are we?"

She looked at the others who were all smiling at her

"I was acting!" he sighed then bowed as the others applauded him

"But I believed you!" she sighed shaking her head

"What can I say?" he smiled "Can I help it if my middle name is Burton?"

"Is it?" she gasped, amazed

"NO OF COURSE IT BLOODY ISN'T !" he hissed then shook his head as Owen groaned

"I thought she was supposed to be a copper?"

"So" Tosh was intrigued "What Is your middle name then?"

Ianto said nothing

"Do you know what it is, Jack?" asked Gwen

Jack looked across to Ianto and raised his eyebrows prompting the young man to shake his head in a 'don't you dare' manner.

"Oh, come on what is it?" she squealed

"Okay, I'll tell you, but then I'll have to retcon you!" he offered

"How about we just don't say anything!" suggested Ianto

"Ah, but where's the fun in that!" he grinned at him

Ianto sighed and shrugged his shoulders

"It's" began Jack "Ianto … Lovelace …Jones!"

The young man shook his head in despair understanding full well the implication intended.

"Oh, Harkness, you are corrupting that poor boy!" groaned Owen as Tosh looked down in her embarrassment.

Jack smiled apologetically at Ianto before revealing

"Corrupting him? Well, I try my best!"

"And his best is very good!" admitted Ianto then added with a shy smile "I also find that a drop of warm water with honey can be very soothing afterwards!"

"Too much info Teaboy!" laughed Owen

"Sorry?" came a confused Welsh female voice "But what exactly are you lot on about?"

"Gwen!" laughed the medic putting an arm around her shoulders "You really need to get out of that flat more!"

Jack stood behind Ianto and placing his hands on his shoulders asked her

"Gwen, have you never seen the flick Deep Throat?"

"Well" she blushed "I've heard of it, obviously, but I've never seen it!"

"Well" he informed her "The leading lady in that movie was Linda Lovelace!"

"Oh, right!" she nodded "Lovelace was in Deep Throat ….so you mean…oh my god ….don't tell me anymore!"

"He's very good!" smiled Jack

"Stop it!" warned Owen

"I'm getting better, Sir!" grinned Ianto "But then I do get a lot of practise!"

"Oh, God, shut them up!" gasped Gwen.

Just at that moment the door at the back of the auditorium flew open and a paramedic shouted up

"Did one of you lot call for an ambulance?"

Ianto, Owen and Jack all turned to look at Tosh

"I was faking " she insisted "I guessed this was all for Gwen's benefit!"

"Anyone got a broken leg?" shouted up the paramedic "Someone call for an ambulance?"

"Er, that'll be me then!" whispered Gwen "I called to see what was taking them so long when I went for a pee!"

Through stifled giggles they exited stage left with disclaimers of

"No, not me!"

"Not me either!"

"Nor me!"

"I wonder who that was then? Gwen, any ideas?"

The paramedic shook his head as he turned to walk back out of the door. As he walked outside they were sure they heard a mutter of

"Bloody Torchwood!"

As he watched his team hustle each other through the curtains, giggling and pushing like a group of school kids Jack smiled. He loved days like this and he was happy because yet another unannounced session of team bonding had been successful!

Remembering he still had a task of his own to finish he exited stage right and went in search of the props department….surely they must have a Cleopatra wig?

See! I told you it was stupid! Oh and in case you're wondering ….it was Jack that ended up wearing the wig!

Hope you enjoyed this! bwb


End file.
